Leaving the past is hard. All the pain and the hurt. The ideals we professed as truth that have proven themselves to be oh-so-false. The image of who we convinced ourselves was real. We begin to notice self perception can be a lethal liar as it slowly but surely reveals its true identity as a crumbling facade. 

We know there is a better way. A way to be happier, more free and loving. More successful and prosperous. Yet we cling to the past like an old lover no matter how much we want to move forward because it’s what we know. It’s familiar. What’s to come is unknown. Even if we get the hunch it’s so much better than we could imagine it can seem daunting. How do we begin to get from here to there?

Some people are of the opinion I’m brave to embark upon the adventure that I have. Leaving for India with nothing more than a one way ticket. A journey unplanned. While I acknowledge this can certainly seem daring and bold, I’ve never struggled with those two traits. Just ask my mother.

Yet I contest that my grandest acts of courage lie ahead. I’ve seen what is in front of me. I know what I’m capable of. I feel nothing is beyond my reach. But it’s much easier to walk on the beach, listen to waves crash, do yoga, and dream of a grand future than it is to return home and do something about my premonitions.

My mind runs its incessant, continual course like laps around a race track. What is the next step? How will I support myself? What if my visions prove to be false? Another mirage of lies? To me, overcoming these what at times, feel like insurmountable fears is much more formidable than haggling with a tuk-tuk driver. Enough to make me turn around and go back. 

Right now, 6 weeks into this world adventure, just shy of one month home (I’m not even sure where that is), this is what I’m up against.

Yes I’ve hit some moguls amidst my travels, but I know my biggest challenge is yet to come.  Upon my return I’ll be at the top of that black diamond trail, staring down at a long slope of fear wondering if I have the courage to let go and push off.

Advertisements