It’s funny. It seemed like yesterday I was counting down the days until my departure for India. One week out. 5 days out. TOMORROW. Now, it’s reverse. I find myself thinking It’s been 10 days since I’ve been home.
I knew coming back to ambiguity was going to be a bigger challenge than leaving or being away. I was beyond ready to change the status quo, leave my job. There was a certainty about my decision that I didn’t question. Every bone in my body knew embarking on my adventure was the right thing to do. Now, my favorite answer to any given question on any given day is I don’t know.
What are you going to do? I don’t know. Are you going to stay in Austin? I don’t know. Are you moving back to L.A.? I don’t know. I think what some people really want to know is how are you going to support yourself? Good question. You know the answer.
While anxiety over the unknown is not an unfamiliar feeling, the fact of the matter is I’ve grown to be okay with simply being. It seems other people have more difficulty grasping the concept. I sense their discomfort when they realize I’m not rushing to the next job or just hanging out doing yoga. Maybe it challenges their status quo and prompts them to question how they are living their lives. My favorite response to my experience of leaving everything I knew to travel is (with a huge sigh) Ohhhhh, I WISH I could do that. Sometimes I say it aloud, sometimes not, but the response in my head is always You can. You choose not to. We all have limitations, challenges and responsibilities. Granted some are bigger than others. I would put raising children on top. (Hats off to all the parents out there.) However, I have a friend – a Mom – that took off for India and Sri Lanka for 3 weeks. She doesn’t have a nanny and she runs a business. My cousin takes her family all over the world to experience other cultures together. Point is anything is possible if you want it bad enough.
I keep myself to a schedule to maintain a sense of purpose and routine to my day. I try to retire no later than 10pm and wake by 6am. I give myself plenty of time to rouse and ease into my hour, sometimes longer, meditations. I no longer have my car so errands take a bit longer. I rode my bike to the post office yesterday. I walked to the store. I took a Pilates class in the middle of the afternoon. (I can feel the unease already…) I took one work call. I wrote a few work emails. I fixed my bike. I made breakfast, lunch and dinner. I did some laundry. I made plans to see friends. I practiced and meditated again before dinner. I just went along and my day seemed quite full.
Before, I used to have to check 25 things off my list to feel accomplished. Now, I’m okay with a few things and I don’t mind that I no longer wear the I’m soooo busy badge of honor. It’s easy to see that we create our own activity. And we create or own stress.
Right now, I’m praying for guidance. Every day I have a new idea, a thought on what to pursue, a spark of something new on the horizon. I remain committed to being open to possibility – even ones I haven’t imagined for myself. (A family? Moving to Iowa? Nahhhhhh . . . ) It’s probably the main reason I am devoting so much time to my practice. My practice doesn’t have room for fear, anxiety and worry. It’s where I find peace, quiet, and freedom. Space to listen. I find myself doing some of the old things I used to here in Austin. But now, I have time to step back and ask myself does this feel right? This place. This person. This activity. This habit. Does it feel good? Is it authentic and does it honor the person I am today? Because, happily, the woman typing this is not the same woman who wrote that first blog back in February. And that, my friends, feels good.